narcissists red flags
Once you are in a relationship with a narcissist or we were discarded, or we broke it off, we will most likely be wondering what red flags there were and what was missed. If you have been recently discarded, you are probably feeling a lot of pain and never want to go through this again and wonder how to prevent it by knowing the red flags. You might also be feeling fear to stay away from romantic relationships, with the fear to repeat this pattern again. With this knowledge it can aid in healing to eventually be ready for another more healthy relationship and to increase the awareness of these red flags.
In this article we will go deeper into the red flags to watch out for. A narcissistic person cannot play out their power dynamics unless they have someone to trust, believe, and follow them. They enjoy negative or positive supply. Narc’s are on a spectrum and are often either more overt or covert.
Let’s dive right in, these are the top red flags:
Future faking. They will display their true colors when asked to clarify what they mean by telling you their future plans with you.
WHY & HOW: One day they tell you they want to have kids with you, the next time you’re in an argument, they say, “It’s a good thing I never want to have kids with you anyways!”
Even though the argument had nothing to do with kids or anything about the future. You are thrown off and it changes the disagreement to have a new focus on why they will say something untrue, cruel, and that makes no sense. They will in turn gain negative fuel supply from you.
You might randomly mention a mutual friends wedding you both attended, “Oh, I loved their wedding.
External Validation. They want validation from others yet do not want to give it back.
WHY & HOW: If they do give you a compliment they will be waiting for you to say something nice back. If you ask them for a compliment, they say something along the lines of, “I like it when you are (XYZ) caring after me (it is all about what you do for them), in those times you are actually caring (backhanded compliment)…”
They respond, “Don’t get any ideas! You need to make more money first…how will we pay for that…”
Although you both have talked about getting married in multiple conversations.
You are left to wonder, what does this really mean? Do they know you, or only care about what you can offer them?
Is this a transactional relationship? By the way…yes it is, will be. Then they will expect and ask for tons of compliments from you. Also, needing constant validation from their social media, being on their phone constantly.
You may think the solution to this is to always validate them…they might have told you their love language is “words of affirmation.” There will NEVER be enough validation any one person can give them. After many times of them insulting you, then asking for nice, kind, affirmative words from you in the same sentence, most likely you will grow tired and exhausted of giving without receiving anything but NEGATIVITY back.
No matter how much validation one person gives, it will NEVER be enough, they will always be looking for a higher supply source or more validation, most likely from social media.
A typical Narc’s instagram, for example, will be riddled with ‘porn-like’ profiles, and often much younger women then them, when these women like their photos this will be validation. Or if they can flirt with them in some way through conversations. The ironic part is they might be the kind of person who wants you to dress modestly and act respectfully on social media and in public, although they are condoning acting in a COMPLETELY different way by interacting with these kinds of profiles online.
It is all about external validation…
You will most likely see some extremely ODD behaviors with their social media that DO NOT match their words or who you THOUGHT they were.
Unfortunately there needs to always be a constant stream of validation from the outside world.
THEY LACK EMPATHY. Yet might be faking empathy and can emulate empathy, especially in the beginning in the love bombing phase.
WHY & HOW: They do not actually want to hear about you day, and will not be happy if you are having an off day or are sick. You will not be ‘allowed’ to have off days. Your soul purpose.
This is one of the biggest factors in understanding if someone has narc tendencies or not.
Also, one of the most dangerous tendencies for someone to have, this leads to cheating, deception with money, control & power dynamics, the ability to purposely hurt someone with no remorse, rude to people they see as beneath them in society such as elderly, women and children. They will prefer to perceive everyone as objects.
When you start talking about your day, you may get silence on the other end of the phone. You ask, “Are you there?” They say, “Oh ya, here.” You ask, “Did you hear me?” They say, “Oh, ya, I heard you, driving.” If you all are not talking about them, they will zone out.
Annoyed by someone sharing their feelings.
WHY & HOW: They will call you all kinds of names for sharing your true feelings. You are supposed to keep those to yourself. The more ‘crazy/insistent’ you become aiming to have them truly hear you, they will say, “Everyone knows you are crazy, my family told me that too, I should have listened. All women are crazy too.’
Do not let yourself get ‘crazy’ because they are not listening, leave the situation, it is not worth it.
It is painful. Yet the best way to handle if someone is having an unhealthy response to you sharing your feelings is to practice the ‘grey rock method,’ this method means you respond instead of react.
If you share your feelings and someone goes into a rant about why you shouldn’t feel this way, or how ’emotional’ you are, all to divert the topic or push your buttons, the best response is to say something along the lines of, “Oh, that’s interesting you feel this way.” or “Thanks for sharing that with me.”
Hence, no emotional reaction, no emotions. Let it go in the moment. This is especially helpful if you continue to stay in a relationship with a person with NPD.
If it’s not about them, then they don’t want to hear it.
Refuse to acknowledge the feelings of others, and might mock others for having feelings. Calling them names and making accusations, such as ‘snowflake’, ‘dramatic’, or ‘you always make a huge deal out of everything.’
WHY & HOW: When they understand your true feelings about something, they will often make a snarky comment about it, then say, ‘I was just joking,’ or ‘god you are so sensitive!’ When you know for sure they were not joking. You are left to wonder how much of the joke was actually true.
Having our feelings invalidated creates low self-esteem over time. Eventually we are left to distrust ourselves and this is meant to turn you to this person for ALL validation of your ideas to be only their ideas.
Can use sexual prowess to hook others in.
WHY & HOW: They will often rush into sex, and aiming to get you hooked in before the mask slips.
They do not like others who they perceive as truly confident. They will aim to knock them down somehow.
WHY & HOW: Ever been to a party with your Narc, to leave and all they can talk about is that one person…They go on for hours about, “who does she/he thinks she is…they are just a (XYZ)…”
They don’t like healthy people, period. Anything they can do to knock a person down that seems healthy they will do it or say it. Except when you leave a party or an event how they will immediately find the confident person to talk badly about, and the next person they will target is you, your confidence will be destroyed by them over time.
Healthy people with great boundaries are the best repellent of Narcs.
They do not like it when their partner is happy, truly happy.
WHY & HOW: This is one of the most hurtful things to admit from a non-narc point of view. We desperately want our partners to support us as much as we support and are happy for them and their achievements.
We sometimes gloss over this because we believe a person who truly loved us would be happy for us.
If you really dig deeply though you will most likely notice a pattern with these kinds of relationships, to where when you were happy, something happen to bring you ‘back down to Earth,’ by the Narc.
When you are happy from something that happen at work, with friends, or in general…they will listen (after the love bombing stage), then they will either be silent (acting as if they didn’t hear you), act distracted (on their phone maybe), or mumble something like ‘oh wow,’ (sarcastically), or say something about how they achieved success at work too today, if they don’t want to listen they will start a petty argument to direct the attention back to them.
Ultimately, they cannot be truly happy for you because it would mean you are no longer beneath them.
Everything is a competition, if you are happy about achieving something they internally feel as though they needed to achieve more than you, or anyone else.
Strangely, it might be something they never thought about achieving and this leads the other party to be deeply confused.
An example of this can be, you say to them, “Wow I’m so happy with my new position as Team Lead of this Tech Project…”
When there is silence, or a blank stare from them you ask, “Aren’t you happy for me, aren’t you proud?”
They respond, with a blank, deathly stare, plus a smirk on their face, “Ha, me proud, it’s not like you’re a millionaire yet, you are acting like you are amazing or something! I could get an engineer job tomorrow if I wanted to.”
You’re dumbfounded, this person is not an engineer, and has never shown interest in ever becoming one.
With this kind of comment it throws someone off. It ruins happiness in the moment. It is unsupportive and demeaning.
We ultimately want our partners to support us and be proud of us and want us to be happy.
Act as if they are interested in the same things as you are.
WHY & HOW: They almost seem to be the same person as you with very slight differences.
Especially in the beginning…you might find yourself saying, “Oh my gosh, it’s like we are the same person. Am I dating me?”
His is on purpose, to make you fall hook line and sinker for yourself, to fall in love with yourself, with the mirror, because they don’t have a real self.
If a Narc has multiple relationships, they might be a vegetarian with one, a meat eater with another, and in general whatever they feel they need to be enough to secure the supply of grade A fuel source.
If you are no longer with the Narc, you might see them later with a woman who is absolutely nothing like you, and if you talked with this woman they would know a completely different version of this person.
Please take this into consideration when you see them with a new person and you wonder WHY ON BLOODY EARTH this person is with her…
Before throwing stones, stop for a second and understand they are disconnected from their true self. When you fell in love, you fell in love with a mask, and sometimes a mirror of yourself. This new woman is feeling the same way and hopefully will eventually see the cracks in the mask and the real them, the poison you saw.
Have faith she will see the evilness sooner than later. Let go of resentment, and better yet wish her the best, to escape as soon as she can.
This is because they are void of a real self. Somewhere along the way they disconnected from their true self. They do not want to look inward.
They will tend to agree with everything you say in the beginning.
WHY & HOW: This is in the love bombing stage, they say what is needed, future-fake & faking empathy…you will believe they are the angel God has sent down for you. You start to believe you have a lot in common, and enjoy all the same things.
They act like they are really into you! REALLY into you!
WHY & HOW: They want to see you everyday, and if you take a break to have alone time or be with your loved ones.
At first you may feel, ‘wow how romantic.’ Then you start to realize this person WANTS all of your time.
Use secrets against you.
WHY & HOW: At the beginning of the relationship they are getting you to reveal something personal, and when they are losing an argument, they will bring it up out of nowhere. Using what you told them against you.
This is especially hurtful because you told them something in confidence. They will also tell their flying monkeys, and extremely over exaggerate the truth of what you said.
Always have to be one- up on you or others.
WHY & HOW: They need to believe they are always a few steps ahead of you or others. They will not be happy for your success. Anytime you are up they need to pull you down. They always need to win.
They make a smear campaign about you towards the middle of the relationship.
WHY & HOW: They might tell their family they helped you a lot to make more money and that you’re just not that successful, even if you make more money than them. The smear campaign will have started WAY before the discard or the break-up…because they want to make sure they can say, ‘Ya well, we all knew she was crazy…’. Everything is about saving face and keeping the mask in tact for them.
They have a lot of rage, envy, jealous of people in their inner circle.
WHY & HOW: They notice other’s cars, houses, or material things and they talk about how they will have that one day, or talk dirty about those people.
They will always be jealous of your success, even if they sometimes encourage you to succeed it will only be to help them have a better life.
They only will be nice when you are offering them something they want.
WHY & HOW: Examine what they do, say, or how they treat someone who cannot give them anything. This is also why you see them act the meanest when they are about to discard someone and they have secured new sources, or sources. The mask falls off when the person can give them nothing in return.
They want to have full control.
WHY & HOW: They want you to delete your past, and know where you are at all times! They might start telling you how to dress, who to be friends with, how much make-up to wear, which jewelry to wear…
They slowly infect your friendships, further isolating you.
WHY & HOW: They will find everything wrong with your friends and aim to isolate you in order to have more of your attention. Pay attention to their friends, they will be WAY less ‘perfect’ than yours, they will have their flaws. If you bring up flaws about their friends, they will be harsh on you, making personal accusations about you if needed.
They have a sole purpose to get all of your attention, time, and often money.
WHY & HOW: Are you noticing that when you do things for you or with others they aim to make a small argument to get your attention. All of the sudden they are upset and wanting to take all of your time away from what you are doing and give it to them. They see your success as ONLY there to benefit them, with money.
They often act kind to strangers and cruel to loved one when no one is around.
WHY & HOW: You start to want to be around strangers, their family or yours because they act completely different around them, not wanting others to see them without their mask on.
This has a purpose, to not expose their true self to the outside world, therefore it will look like you are ‘the crazy one,’ whenever you speak out about the abuse from them later. The covert narcs tend to be quiet, reserved, shy, serious, seemingly nice guy vibe; the overt tend to be outgoing, talkative, confident, seemingly successful got it together guy.
They have indifference towards people in their inner circle, and see them as objects.
WHY & HOW: When you get into an argument with them, you may see a weird indifference as if you didn’t matter to them at all.
They are capable of saying and doing things, that make you shake your head and wonder how a person who says they love me can do or say this.
They do not bond emotionally in a healthy way with anyone in their lives, therefore there is a bond they don’t mind to easily break with you.
For any little thing, they can break the bond, and be onto another supply while giving you the silent treatment. They hope when they come back from the stone-walling or silent treatment you will have learned your lesson.
They can treat you as they have no bond to you at all.
WHY & HOW: Threatening to divorce you or break up, they will actually follow through when they think they have a new better supply because they ultimately see you as an object they do not actually have a real bond with you, as you do them. – Remember, the person who cares the least in a relationship often has the most power… this phrase describes a narc’s relationship philosophy, they have to have power.
Often abuse people and then tell them, ‘look what I do for you.’ You are so ungrateful.
Then they say something like, “Well if you are going to be ungrateful, I won’t do anything at all for you then.”
WHY & HOW: They do not want to hear any feedback or need to reflect on how to improve themselves, this will make them need to look at their inner self and they don’t want this! Saying, “Hey when you said xyz it really hurt me…”
They will say, “Oh, sure! Well, you said xyz last year too, and this relationship is starting to feel one-sided. You know what!!?? I’m leaving the house, do whatever you want. I do so much for you, and you only focus on this!”
Do not want others to feel they have any power in the relationship.
WHY & HOW: Their goal is to have you beneath them to gain the supply from you, giving them the false sense of self-worth.
Use guilt and shame as weapons.
WHY & HOW: Use personal information about you to make you feel bad, and eventually do the thing they are asking you for.
Discard or seek to annihilate you when you no longer want to give them their supply, when you’re onto them.
WHY & HOW: You are no longer valuable to them if you are not giving ample supply.
In court they will draw out the case, wasting away your money, and they will lie about accounts you have made against them. With no regard to your money, time, or emotions.
WHY & HOW: We have heard many times, you do NOT want to be in court with a Narc. They will fabricate whatever needs to be said in order to get custody of their kids, even if they could care less about being a caregiver. If they think their kids will be an endless narcissistic supply and they will win against you, they will stop at NO END to achieve this. They will have their flying monkeys convinced they need those kids, or you were the ‘crazy one’ and they need to take all your money. They will aim to convince everyone how they are the victim and how they didn’t deserve your ‘horrible treatment.’ Expect lies.
They will do anything to aim to prove they are in control of the breakup. It will most likely be a discard not a final discard.
WHY & HOW: They usually will act as if they could care less if they breakup or not. By the time you all are in the devalue stage they might threaten breaking up to play power games and push pull. They will do everything in their power to prevent being abandoned, and be the one who abandons first.
They will make up lies to show everyone you are the crazy one.
WHY & HOW: They will say, “The other day when I was talking to my mom about what you said to me, she said, “Well, maybe you were just tired.” They want validation for horrible behavior and they will seek out people to enable them by making excuses for them. They will get their flying monkeys on their side WAY before they decide to discard you. You won’t ever truly know what they said about you, and you will wonder constantly what lies they said.
Tend to be flirty with the opposite sex, and accuse you of being insecure if you call them out on.
WHY & HOW: They make frequent eye contact with another person of the opposite sex. When you bring it up when alone with them they say, “Wow I had no idea you were so jealous, I wasn’t even looking at that person I was looking into the abyss. Do you expect me to look at you the whole time we’re on a date, or what? No idea what you are talking about. Jealous much?”
They believe they are better, smarter, more attractive, more successful than everyone.
WHY & HOW: They say, “Today at work I was asked to present a project, everyone was eager to hear from me.”
Often make excuses for horrible behavior, dismissing your feelings, minimizing your thoughts.
WHY & HOW: If they do say sorry, it will be something like, ‘sorry I hurt you, if you only wouldn’t always have an attitude with me, I don’t think I can handle your attitude for much longer…’
You feel insecure and jealous when you don’t normally feel this way in relationships.
WHY & HOW: You feel insecure and you don’t quite know why, you don’t feel as good about yourself now, as you did before you got into the relationship. You have always been able to easily talk things through with other partners, now you’re afraid to bring things up because of them getting angry or hypercritical.
You think you can never win with this person. It is never enough. You feel unmotivated to do anything around this person.
WHY & HOW: When you guys are cooking together you’re afraid of cutting vegetables correctly. You stop wanting to share things with them.
You always feel the need to be careful of how you say things around them, yet they do not seem to think things through before they tell you things.
WHY & HOW: They display being extremely thin-skinned and sensitive to your words, then in the next breath tell you something hypercritical with no remorse. This is often called ‘gas-lighting,’ in making everything your fault.
You have been exposed to masterful TRIANGULATION.
WHY & HOW: This is to always keep you on guard and aiming to ‘prove’ yourself worthy. An example, they say, “My Aunt words 70 hours a week, why are you tired?”
You might be thinking, ‘well, I have a right to be tired sometimes, how about be supportive of me, and I’m not your Aunt.’
They are thinking, ‘how can I extract more from this person.’
They will like to see you jumping through hoops for them.
Even if you stay and jump through every hoop, climb over every bar they set, they will only come back to create more hoops and raise the bars…It will never be good enough.
The biggest red flag is them having NO EMPATHY.
We must learn to attract people who can mirror our worth back to us.
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“If they do say sorry, it will be something like, ‘Sorry I hurt you, if you only wouldn’t always have an attitude with me, I don’t think I can handle your attitude for much longer…’ “
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The narc did this to me for years. Talked badly about me behind my back to family members. When I would get mad at the narc, I had no one to talk to. They already had a negative view of me before I ever approached them. Creepy.
P.S. Amen, thank you Empire Life!
They are 25 steps ahead of us. Triangulating is apart of them making us look nuts and like were the narcissist.
I’m over here just mindin’ my business then… “Minding your own business…and here comes the smear campaign!!”
Avoid all triangles ( head games) relationships are fine when it’s one on one….A game player will always.
My ex once told me that “everybody I talked to, says You are wrong” can’t remember what I was wrong about, but this was just one obvious example of that type of behavior…
I could pick up on the “fake empathy” at the beginning…I wish I knew what I know now before I fell for the bait.
Thank you so much for helping me to see that being painted as the narcissist was actually part of the triangulation.
We got in a ridiculous argument right before my family came to visit. When they showed up, she was a perfect angel and doted on me like everything was fine – I was happy that my family got to see us doing well together. She had to work, so I saw the family off and waited for her to come home – again, I was happy that she had a change of heart and loved me again. 5pm, she walks through the door and immediately goes into tyrant mode – starts another ridiculous argument and we haven’t talked now for a month and a half.
I had rather be alone than to live a lie.
I dumped him in the devalue stage before he could discard. The dreams were for months! Then sporadic. They are DEMONS! This is how they stopped……my prayers to Christ Jesus were the last thing on my lips as I fell asleep. Ask Jesus to protect you while your sleeping,
These are all “predators” whom have these “disorders”!
Narcissist are the only people i know who will lie to you about yourself and then expects you to believe it. They make you anything they need you to be in their own mind, at the time, at anytime, to justify their own needs and actions.
Actually there is no dreaming while sleeping only nightmares while awake during any interaction with a narcissist.
Yes! My gut always was warning me. Didn’t listen. Now, I will always listen.
they dont care that YOUR cheating on them, they care that your giving what they consider theirs to someone else.
Don’t join dating sites that’s where they are dating sites are perfect for abundance of new supply.
I finally did the full block last night.
It is incredible the anger I see on his face when he sees me happy…it is scary.
He text me asking if I texted him. I didn’t respond. I blocked him.
It’s true they don’t care about marriage. Mine was engaged and still tried to hit me up. They want their cake and eat it too. No loyalty, no conscience. They are horrible people.
I can’t be around humans with no personality!
“They will respect you if you put up boundaries, but they will leave you”. Such a timely flipping comment for me….I have been saying quietly to myself, “I would rather be respected than liked.”
They lie all the time and their lives depend on the lies as a life line.
I left him last night. He said to me “ you haven’t met the devil yet”….the look he gave me when he walked out the door I will never forget I’m hurting so much but at the same time I feel relieved.
I love that you mention the evil stare. This is something that replays over and over in my memory. That moment he had that cocky, arrogant, cold, and smirky look on his face as he laughed at my pain and gave me such an evil glare. It was so freaky the look in his eyes. I will never forget it.
Narcs don’t really want you back. They don’t wanna see you happy. They just want backup supply so that they can keep you as miserable as they are.
Removing a malignant tumor doesn’t leave a “void” it brings healing.
Not being hoovered is a compliment! It means you’ve grown and you’re too strong for them to prey on.
The only person you need back in your life is your old self.
I am happier alone than I ever was with him.
Disclosure: you don’t want the narc to want you back ,you want them to go away!
I bought myself a Dyson, I don’t need any more hoovers.
It’s been 3 months since he discarded me and I can finally sleep peacefully through the night, without waking up 3-4 times a night wondering what he’s up to. I’ve been doing self work, eating healthy and working out. He stalks my social media accounts and I can tell it frustrates him that I’m living happily without any closure from him.
Why in the world would you want them to want you back? If you get free run like hell away from them. Never ever go back!!!! Never!
Omg he has a stare!!! Its like the devil himself is looking at you.
If I never date again I’m ok. Perfectly happy alone with myself.
Get a puppy instead….please…there is no happy ending with a narcissist.
We need a retreat with all empaths who have lived through this nightmare. A safe place with no narcissists allowed. I think it would be great just to connect with people that actually are genuine.
They will suddenly want you back when they see your success / money.
When you want someone to come back just so that you can reject them.
Funny it takes being in a relationship with a narcissist to learn to love your own company & not fill a void with people.
Parental Alienation is the worst, most damaging version of triangulation.
Let me share a positive experience that might help those who are still struggling with the deep pain and shame of a narcissist and you wonder if you will ever get better. You will learn and you will get better even if you make a mistake in the midst of your growth.
I don’t give him supply I wanted to divorce but he did not agree.:(
Thank you so much for laying that out.
Holy cow, it’s making more sense every time I hear and listen to U. Thx
I wish I had seen this years ago because my family just thought he was a nice guy and he was until his neurological illness started where he became very narcissistic and wore a mask more and more. He would blatantly lie to many people and my family couldn’t understand why I seemed upset with him more and more.
And my take.
NARCs move fast, pretend to be a great match, play victim and never are honest.
All of this was my mother.
Heal yourself and start enjoying the normal people and honest compliments around yourself because believe me after 15 yrs of abuse you feel like you are out of jail and recovery can be difficult but realize that you are going to get better and everyday without your narc is a progress.
Why does my narc husband does not discard me
Can a narcissist pretend to have empathy as my ex would seem to have empathy in regards to my past but when he would do hurtful things the empathy would be nowhere to be found.
So much truth!
Can a therapist be NPD?
To be fair, I say “wait, what?!” A LOT in my daily life.
Not to mention a lot of covert narcissists are not so grandiose.
Sometimes, the “ongoing pattern of lying” that they deploy (usually a covert narcissist) can simply be the lies they tell the victim in the form of criticism, shaming, blaming, or humiliation. They want you to believe the lies in order to weaken you. They systematically gain control over you with each lie.
One thing I’d like to address, however, is the comment about the boyfriend that just had to say something or he’d “forget.” While I agree that that is very annoying, there might be another explanation: ADHD. I have ADHD, and I have a lot of trouble interrupting because when we want to make a point but we have to wait our turn, the pressure to get it out before you forget is pretty intense…
Oh the ONE UP GAME!!!!…this is a never ending game with a particular family member….pppfff
I had a narcissist husband and now a narcissist boyfriend. I’ve been called crazy by both. My ex husband would tell me oh you’re depressed, you need help. My boyfriend now tells me you’re psycho, you’re chemically imbalanced, you need help, and no wonder why you ex had so many problems with you.
You can connect with them, but not in a deeper way. Because “they” have not that “Genes” – as you say. They come and go anyway at maybe one point, and sometimes they show it so harsh, and you feel they turned around, that we can`t understand why. And there isn’t no why. Because the other way around, they wouldn’t except it and they leave.
I’ve had a few boyfs that I was convinced were narcs..searching for someone nice and being careful now. But, what happens when you meet someone you think is an empath and they are pulled away from you by another or other narc(s)?
Sometimes he has this enlightenment moments where he seams to be a good person or that he realizes that he is wrong is this a form of manipulation or narcissist can actually have some moments of light? Or maybe is because he is not a narcissist? Thank you!
Are narcs born or made or both?
Spot on. This gal knows.
Best wishes everyone
I just recently but up a boundary with a an ex that has been with me for a very long time. She attacked me with negative slurs. I have blocked her from texting me and not sure what to do about social media. I do not want to flame the fire and I really just want her to go live her life and leave me alone. I was kind and said hey I feel the friendship has reached it’s peak and it is time to move on. No hard feelings and I wish her the best….she then attacked me and said horrible things.
They act like the relationship is a competition.
They are not able to even give you a compliment when you look nice or do something amazing…
They just see the flows on everything you do, wear or even achieve.
When you achieve something they let you know that that is no a big deal because they achieve something bigger.
“They have to bring you down” Ever experienced again will be unmistakable. Quick & decisively.
And if them seem strange and not like normal people you know that’s a big clue.
Thank you for helping me to put a label to the type of person I was married to for 25 years.
i got discarded right as i stood up to her ( and shes a lawyer for a big city).
Ive heard the traits a million times, but you nailed examples of dialogue that exemplify what it looks like and sounds like in real life…
They lie about having had a vasectomy too!
Ultimate sign of a narcissist, even covert ones.
Thank you, I needed this today…. oh God Damn how I needed this…. I refuse to regress.
Mine triangulated me with other women to make me jealous, because of his deep insecurities…Then he called me jealous..I didn’t see it at first…HOWEVER, it backfired on him eventually…because I saw through it and now IM DONE
Sounds like ex hairstylist friend from Africa.
Bless you. This speaks to my soul.
My theory now is that all these terms like “toxic masculinity” and “social justice” are just to glaze over the actual roots of this stuff which is narcissism.
Thank you.. I’ve been searching for answers. I’ve found them here.
Just experienced a triangulation Narcissist on FB, finally unfriend him and blocked him.
My mom does it with me and my sisters….no contact now for a while….it’s tough….my mother is ill…she must live in constant fear I expose her…..she has now joined my gym….clearly to get a reaction…..she will get no more supply from me.
The more I healed from co dependency, the more my ‘mother’ could not be bothered with me. Last week I held her accountable again and would not just let it go which is what she wants, and she discarded me saying “I wish you well and will not bother you again”. All because I expressed that her not believing me made me feel angry and hurt!
You’re amazing and have got me through some tough times with my exNarc
This is weird what you said about Narcissist needing people pleasers who lack bounders because I know I am a people pleaser and struggle with bounders.
They never take accountability for anything.
They lie about almost everything.
They gaslight … making you question your sanity and reality.
“when the smear campaign starts you feel like you just swallowed a grenade.”
Thank you so much! I felt like you were reading my life, soul and mind.
Those that end up in relationships with narcissists are often the ones that get cited as having an “anger problem.” One of the skills we learn with experience is to not endlessly offer sacrifices and efforts for someone who clearly has no interest in being willfully truthful in a reciprocal manner.
Narcissist mothers are the worst! Toughest spot being in. So when they turn the whole family on you.
You’re a beautiful soul.
I always had low self esteem as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family. My husband knew that but still he gaslighted and used triangulation with me. He always praised others again and again just to hurt me. Compared me with every women in the family.
This has been very clarifying and helpful. Makes so much sense, and I appreciate the compassionate view. Thank you very much.
I moved 3 thousand miles to get away. Best decision I ever made!
Thank you so much for your blogs.
Yet they expect ‘your undivided loyalty!
They will keep your number and name with the others they have had if they want you for sexual gratification or other thing and will not care if you are involved with someone.
I love your energy. These people are sick! I must practice self care and self preservation.
Thank you for sharing this!
Peace & Love to U!
Sounds like my whole family!
Women today are in a double bind. We are told we must keep up our looks and that we are valueless if we don’t have a man, but also tragic spinsters if we are single. It’s easy to attract the wrong men, even easier when women are at a more vulnerable age where they might believe they have limited options. Presentation is very important as we age.
Wow. I had the same experience with my mother and other members of my family’s: they were shaming me, putting me down, treating me as an abject/doormat, ordering me around, not allowing me to have my own identity, determining what I should think, do and say (even many years into adulthood).
Thank you. I really appreciated this. It was just what I needed to hear today. bliss and love.
If you have an inkling at the jump, you can strategize to minimize damage. That’s not what I did… but now I can spot this behavior from miles away!
Can narcissists be cured?
Gods give their time Karma soon just wait wisdom is needed. thank u kept in mind were done.
Thank you for all this information. It is probably the scariest thing to live with a person who is like this. How does narcissist form? Childhood trauma?
They attract or search for the weak/hurt!! If u are damaged goods/codependant u cant see these behaviours cause they manipulate u, SPOT ON, ive been here & had no idea, but kills being with an emotionally detatched man……oh yes such CHARMERS/CHARISMATIC!!! OMG YES NO EMPATHY!!
What really baffles me is someone who has very low self esteem and treats everyone like they’re trash. It doesn’t quite fit the mold of narcissism with the low self esteem, does it?
Fake empathy…it’s amazing how well they’ve learned the words, but when they say them you don’t feel it. For a long time I attempted to convince myself that there must be something wrong with ME because she was saying the right words.
The self absorption is pathological they just think of themselves.
Cognitive dissonance is so prevalent in my mind in the healing process.
“Healthy people are able to go there and heal their shame.”
Holy hell, just about a 1/2 of the way through that is definitely my ex. I did notice some things a few months before last Christmas and brought everything up the day after because I couldn’t hold anything in anymore.
Narcs know what they are doing and they don’t care.
Yes they definitely make you fill less safe.
Forgive yourself #1.they are demons.and butt wipes.
These people are evil. Avoid at all cost.
Narcs can sometimes fake empathy by acting concerned or crying or whatever but in my experience it seems weird and sometimes over the top.
When we feel alone: we are not missing the narcissist. We are missing the part of OURSELVES that we abandoned while trying to love the narc!
You know what the NARC taught me? Is how to be ALONE and enjoy me!
My Narc runs a harem of women on the internet. I found out, confronted him, crushed his ego and did the full block. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be crushed to pieces like that again.
THEY HOOVER ALWAYS…they sometimes just don’t let you know.
I just ended it with a narc. So, I’m trying to detach from emotion and stay rational. I think it is like moments of waves. I’m pretty good most of the time, then a sudden wave of desperation hits me and I’m checking my blocked messages to see if he will suddenly come to his senses, but he rarely hovers me. I act emotionless, but inside I die. I know he is no good. I will stay strong.
“They left with the wounds open. They do that on purpose so that they can eventually come back and heal those wounds”… just wow!
No contact. stay away glad he’s gone.i rather be alone and love myself call self respect.
I’d rather be alone doing whatever I want than to be with the narcissist doing whatever he wants.
I literally just started growing out of my nightmares that had lasted me a couple years. Sadly…
I waited 3 years for my nacr to come back. Now that he is back, of course he is blaming me for kicking me out of his house so he could get back with his ex. He said “why didn’t you tell me no and to stop it”. I’m literally sick to my stomach thinking about him. Thank you saying its an addiction! It is! I’m cutting myself loose today! I can’t do this to myself another day!
I would rather be with myself, the narc doesn’t care how you feel or what you think. Narc only care about themselves and what you can do for them.
My dreams my Narc just started.
When I first met my narc I couldn’t believe how it tried to turn things around on me. I then read up on personality disorders and found this channel. I always knew what it was up-to and stupidly I would play along because it fed me good sex. I do miss it’s funny side. It made me laugh but I could never trust it.
I needed this blog today!, I am going through a rough phase in life.
Sending much love your way!.
I left the state my Narc was in, divorced and blocked him from everything. He better forget my name, number, AND what I look like. Forget I ever existed, move on to your next target, and leave me alone…
I had dreams and in one dream he was wearing a mask! This was from God to warn me I believe because I had not studied narcissism at that time.
Smear is always with a narcissist.
It is so good, I always love when I find great content to read.
We really appreciate your continued support.
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🙂 Thanks for dropping by.
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Thank for being here for us!.
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We’re so glad you loved this blog.
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Thank you, Allison and Empire Life team, for everything you do and for all the wonderful life-improving content you provide. 😘🥰
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Thanks for being here, Lola. We hope that it helps!
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Much love for you too!.
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We hope it is helpful for you.
We are only as strong as our community. Thank you Allison!
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We are so greatful to have you in our community.
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Much Appreciation for You!
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Cheering you on!
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Allison, another great one don’t ever stop writing.
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We are really glad it was helpful.
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We are glad it was of help.
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Thank you for being here
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We appreciate you!
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For so many years it’s been the same bs and I can’t talk about my situation to anybody.
I feel like it’s the only type of relationship I’ve known…
15 years and I still have nightmares about him.
He used to smoke weed n was a recovering drug addict. Prob still one but who knows! Anyway, when I broke up with him in about 5 hours…he had a 22 yo girl at his house n I happened to drop by…he hated that I used to set boundaries. He liked the younger ones cos they never questioned his behaviour.
Three weeks into no contact, have nightmares/stress dreams about my narc almost every night. Hopefully this goes away soon.
Mine lets me go temporarily then waits until the holidays, just wants to greet me, then the pain starts again. Now I understand so praying I won’t let it happen ever again. Yes, knowledge is power. Thank you for helping us!
Thank you, really needed this today.
We need more movies on this subject!! Even though there has been some!! This subject is SO IMPORTANT!
Therapy is their access to figure out how you are vulnerable, so they can later use that against you, and once they find your weak point, of what you need, then it’s game over, no more therapy. Such a no-win strategy to life.
Manipulative people do so out of a fear of lacking control in their lives.
My freaking ex to a tee! God I’m so glad he finally got the message through my silence that I’m never talking to him again!
Every point that you made was 100% on target! Good job.
Happy being single with my interests, family, and few close friends! Life is great!!
Peace, Joy, and Love to everyone!!
Thanks for all the great information.
5 years of loving him. He took $20k. Ordered me to give more and then blocked me. I am struggling emotionally. Thank you for your kindness.
Yeah, I think we empath are their prime target. Cruel very evil cunning people. So handsome what a lie.
Even when you think the narcissist got over you and moved on, in many cases they are still monitoring you. There are flying monkeys out there watching and observing your every move. The narcissist will use every bit of information on you to concoct a plan to get you back. This is why it is best to never share too much details about you to random strangers because you never know who’s hands they will fall into and how it will be used against you. Be careful.
My narcissist is my young children’s father. It is so hard cause every-time I make contact about the kids he tries to be sexual and I after 15 years have finally become strong enough to tell him no. I just hope when I come face to face again he doesn’t hover me.
Heard this from Jay Shetty. “You can tell how happy you are, when you are by yourself.”
It began very quickly
I noticed he had a temper, well temper was an understatement.
I used to be a free girl.
The first day I witnessed the all consuming rage he went red and screamed that I had left to go around the block and I must have gone out to see a man.
From there on I stayed at his side a quiet little mouse. I tried to behave and brushed it off as jealousy.
The fights happened more regularly. It seemed he was always unhappy. I was constantly living with the fear of being kicked out of the house looming over my head
“it’s my world you just live in it” and he really ment it. Everyday I followed him as his dog. Turning over as a sex doll so he could be behaved for the day. I was punished regularly by silent treatments and told no I wasn’t right, I wasn’t experiencing what I was experiencing.
I knew he was insecure but this was deeper a psychotic need to make me pay. Build me up and break me down. Like a possessed toddler he had to get his way.
I felt suicidal the most times I have ever in my life. I approached him time and time again and pleaded we could go back to the façade of the real him. This was false. The demon lurking beneath was the authentic being.
I saw he was not at his mother’s as he claimed and it all made sense. I was dealing with something subhuman. A shell of a man. An animal with an incessant need to WIN.
I needed this information. These narcs are scary. And, yes so many out there and is why I stay single.
But this knowledge has given me the tools to keep moving on. Everything you’ve said that they do is accurate.
I had dreams and so did my children. They have subsided, mostly gone. I meditated, listened to binural beats for healing – sometimes played all night. My faith plays a big part too. It took about 12 months for me. I went from nightmares, to no dreams, to normal dreaming again. It will get better.
My ex narc once told me if I wanted to stray, I would need his permission first. Can you imagine the shock of hearing this? These people are so weird. The strangest people I’ve ever encountered. I felt he didn’t really care about me on a deep emotional/bonding level. And if I did cheat, and he found out, it would be a narcissistic injury, and there would surely be hell to pay. But only because I didn’t ask for his “permission” first. This was the most strangest, abusive relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m thankful I was able to get out in less than 2 years.
After the breakup, I made the decision to go no contact. He’s been hovering for 6 years. He’s contacted me about 6-10 times. I’ve completely ignored him, and any messages I’ve received. His last message said, “I can’t believe you still won’t even talk to me!.” lol
Nope. Never, EVER, will I talk to you again. lol. What a wanker…
There ain’t that much Loneliness in the world to ever get back with a narcissist. I’ve learned to love myself through this process. Being with them is a learning process. Now it’s over keep loving yourself and don’t get weak always be strong.
I’d rather be alone than to wonder when he’s going to strike again & cheat.
You should see the picture I have of a real demon staring at me…she’s a narc.
Best analysis of being with a Narc – Being with a narcissist is like eating a nectarine rotting from the inside out. You take a bite of this seemingly normal nectarine but your overwhelmed with the sweetest thing you’ve ever tasted(LOVE BOMB). You don’t even bother to look at the fruit, you just keep eating uncontrollably. As you start to get closer to the core you taste something a little off, a little bitter, but you keep biting anyways. Then all of a sudden you take a bite and it’s disgusting, sour, bitter, and unpleasant. You look and you see it’s black and rotten(DEVALUE)at the core. But instead of discarding it immediately you decide that this cannot be!! There’s sweet fruit here still, I’ll eat around the rot(THE HOOVER). You eat around this fruit knowing that at the center it’s rotten and not good for you, but the Taste you were given in the beginning is untouchable, beyond compare. You eat around this rot, and even take nibbles hoping for some sweetness until you realize it’s just a black rotten core that no longer wants you to eat it(THE DISCARD). Now you’re just sitting here with a black empty rotten pit in your hand and realize you now feel how that core does, rotten. Get away from the narcs ppl, they will have you searching for that sweet nectar that will never come forever. All you have to do is drop the seed, bury it(NO CONTACT) and move on guys.
U have helped me more than you could imagine and to understand the Narc so much more.. which helped me cope and keep pushing forward without pain. 3 months out w NO CONtact woo Hoo.. I’m a empathetic Big people pleaser . 7 years and 3 kids he used me cheated and abused me and just played my soft heart Soo bad. Just got a new supply who had 3 kids herself LOL. Hate him and he hurt me so bad the pain is unbearable but I’m staying no contact no matter what. I just keep teaching myself w research and watching u every time I get down to keep teaching myself what these monsters are. Keep up the great blog and THANK YOU!
They’re Sick. But validated who i figured out he truly was after 10 stolen years.
I’m trapped in this narcissistic relationship and will never be able to leave it….But just being able to RECOGNIZE and UNDERSTAND what’s happening is worth so much to me. Thank you.
Found out he was cheating on me a second time. He was Sooooo deceptive..Acting so nice and caring Full of affection all the time..Everyone loved him…Now I know. It’s all an act to suck u in. Will b ed filing for divorce this month and I have Blocked him..Moving On!
When I first met my narc I couldn’t believe how it tried to turn things around on me. I then read up on personality disorders and found this channel. I always knew what it was up-to and stupidly I would play along because it fed me good sex. I do miss it’s funny side. It made me laugh but I could never trust it.
My ex ex ex hovered me after 10 YEARS!
I love being alone now that I have had some distance from the demon.
The best revenge is living your life, happy and moving on.
Mine has cat-fished me several times, sent me gifts, messaged me through third parties, and is using his kids to spy on me. It’s like, just be gone, I’m happy, healthy, and dating. Be gone, cockroach! Craziness!
In the beginning of the breakup I would of answered …“I would want to be back with my narc”…but now after 8 months with myself … I chose ME!
My narcissist, told me he wasn’t loyal, he would tell me and give me signs, and I still continue. I also found text messages from a woman who he had an affair with 10 yrs ago!! She was 20 at the time he was mid 40s!! Gross! I know he meant for me to find those text messages, so I would be dramatic.
It was training! This was maddening, I wish I could fully get out.
This is amazing and quite acute the amount of damage negative relationships such as we have all gone through can cause… and just when we think we might have a handle on it we noticed that there are other areas that need attention….just like what the story you told about the person saying they would rather be with a narcissist and be alone I can’t say that I completely subscribe to that but I have had those thoughts. The Mostly because of people like yourself my man and my inner strength I continue to recover and strengthen myself.
I can’t say thank you enough you are a good person for what you were doing and at the very least you helped some guy…name is Kagi.
The narc’s heart. Nothing’s colder than that…lol.
I’m terrified of getting into relationship! I feel like I’m a Narc magnet! Every time a guy shows interest all I can think of is what’s his game…
I just went through a month of love bombing with an extreme Narcissist. It’s amazing how much they have in common. I almost fell for it but when I challenged him by not checking in…..he dropped me…
“Come back with conditions” Soooo True! I went back once. Never again. Nope.
I come here to this blog for therapy, and see a counselor I feel comfort knowing that I’m not the only one who was suckered punched!
This is one of the best analysis I ever heard about them.
Omg the stare! I saw my ex narc do that to me. He did it a few times. Then right before he discarded me he was staring. So creepy.
Thank u for being here for me.
I was married to one for 10 years. and you are really helping me see myself. I keep attracting narcs. Although I’m getting better at seeing them but still get hurt cuz i continue to let my guard down. But recently had to break up with a guy i was dating cuz when it came to my birthday he was a no show which was the first red flag. Cuz it didn’t match with his behaviour. He was always calling me texting back and right on time. Then Boom. I was really hurt but realized what was happening and realized I dodged another narc.
Thank you for this, I understand this all too well. Narcs are the lowest form of life on earth and the biggest tricksters. They target the strongest and the most empathetic. They target us because we are good people.
I appreciate your encouragement about the stuff that shows up..and the opportunity to heal it. Thank you.
So happy with getting reacquainted with my softer side.
I smile a lot and feel great!
He’s gone and I’m done.
Yeah I know that evil stare.
First Drama reaction,,
But afterwards,,
You just
“Fueled-Up”
Their Tank.
Hi all, my narc never appreciated the time effort and money I put into the relationship. I ended up hooking up with someone else right after the discard. She just hated it, just went right off when she found out.
The hardest part of the battle is being ganged up on. Their flying monkey’s can be relentless.
Thank you!
Very helpful. I am creating a “new me.” Boundaries, loving myself, standing firm!
The way I fixed ”respond versus react” was to break up. Then I no longer had to do either! ha.
I’ve learned a narcissist is an emotional leech, parasite.. so never respond with emotion…respond the way they do….Emotionless.
Blame, shame, guilt — fear, obligation and guilt/”FOG”
Hi Empire Life, they (Narcs) hurt people for fun and amusement out of boredom. They could have the greatest most spoiled lives and still attack others because they get away with it. If you assume they are wounded and hurting, you are going to let them walk all over you. There is no wound, they yoke you in with your sympathy. You need to be as mean as they are or meaner to get rid of them, not nice.
If they are jealous as in envious, how does that give them a right to destroy you? It is just out of nowhere for you being okay or doing well. You can’t change that. Sometimes they get in life and force you to respond also. Feeling sorry for them, making excuses for them, understanding them, that is all response. These people pretend to be human when they aren’t towards you.
It is the true end of this whole society that these people can run rampant. The more they are coddled and accommodated, the worse it gets.
I was the toxic person in the relationship…it helped me realize that i needed to walk away from my “partner”. Just as much for their sake as my own. I was causing them so much pain and once i realized i was the problem i realized i had to leave so that they could be as happy as they deserved to be and so i could work on myself and my issues and hopefully one day be as happy as I deserve to be..Thank you for your blogs!
I just have to said thank you for your words it’s being so helpful for me…
This responding is so hard. They push your red buttons so well.
I am still working on this with family members.
Mahalo Empire Life, I needed to hear your words of wisdom.
I wish I knew how to fix myself codependency and all…I DONT KNOW HOW TO COMPLETELY HEAL.
Manipulation = insecurities
I started to say “NO” that was the beginning of the end…I got real good at saying no!!
We stay because we miss that person we fell in love with. We like getting treated good and we stay because we have hopes that things are going to change and it not easy to leave especially if you have kids with person. I wish I had the strength to leave.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a classic Narcissistic apology…
Yes I also have dreams. And like others, I want to know how long this will go on for and how to deal with it.
Every time I would react they would seem to glow or get turned on. It’s them feeding off of my energy that makes them feel better. Now I’m realizing what their game is, don’t react, don’t give them pleasure of knowing they’ve hurt you. Thanks for the clarification.
Tearing up reading this.
I’m able to spot a narc without even getting involved with them. Still I struggle to release that energy after a conversation with them.
OMG! Eye opener. Thank you! It explains an awful lot!
Feels like you are talking exactly about my ex.
Don’t waste your life fighting a toxic partner.
Run for the hill.
Start over.
When I left him, I realized or at least thought I did love him at this time I wasn’t aware he was a narcissist!
Went through this exact thing with my ex. He still to this day uses triangulation with my mother. I wish she was able to see it for what it is!
Yep, I WAS always my narcs backup supply (the back burner) – and here I thought I was grade A supply…lol??!! Goes to show you, he’s really insecure that he needs so many different supplies…
I had a dream of one the other day I choked in my dream and started being sick…then I woke up…